The Hardest Thing In The World
by WatchingAsYouFall
Summary: Sometimes the only thing left to say is the hardest thing in the world. - Matt - Chapter 9 COMPLETE!
1. Dear Matt

**[[A/N I don't know how I came up with this idea, to be perfectly honest, I don't even remember writing half of it. So I decided, the compliments (or lack thereof will go to the goblins/pixies/elves who write for me when I'm not aware of it.]]**

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Death Note. I have never owned Death Note. The only thing I own is the cup of coffee and the cigarettes that sit on my desk (which I own) next to my computer (which I also own). I also own the bar of chocolate in my fridge. And my bed. Although I didn't buy that, so do I really own it? Whatever, here's chapter 1 of 2.

* * *

**Dear Matt**

I lay in bed and watched the chest of the man next to me rise and fall in the moonlight. His pale skin is ghostly and his red hair, vibrant. The curves of his hips are tantalising, the scraps from my nails on his back, inviting. I look past you to the floor. Our clothes scattered in disarray and only two people know the reason why. We are both lying in this bed. The sexual frustration that hung in the air earlier has been cut, now there is just serenity and contentment.

I look you up and down again, silently hoping you will always be this peaceful. Quietly I get out of the bed and pull on my leather pants and your striped shirt. I look down at your perfect face, a slight hint of a smile gracing your soft lips. I lean over you and plant a kiss on your forehead. I run my fingers down your flawless neck, across the nail marks on your strong shoulders. Silently I beg you to forgive me as I try to forget you. I leave in the darkness hoping you'll hate me. People are easier to forget when you hate them. In my mind, I know I'll never forget you because no matter how much I want to, your perfect smile, your gentle touch, your enchanting laugh, all of these things will haunt me in my dreams. Your peaceful face is embedded in my mind. I close my eyes and squeeze the bridge of my nose as I sit your desk and try to find the words to explain why I have to do this.

"_Dear Matt…"_

'_I love you?'_

'_I don't want to hurt you?'_

What?

What do I say? What could I possibly write that could bring you comfort when you realise I'm gone.

You will never excuse me for this so asking your forgiveness is pointless.

You wouldn't believe me if I told you I loved you, I don't believe myself when I think it.

'_I know you hate me, I'd hate me too.'_

But I don't. I don't know if you hate me. I don't know what you'd say to me in the morning if you woke up and I was laying your arms.

"_Dear Matt…"_

So many words in the English language yet I cannot find the right ones to tell you what's going through my mind right now.

"_Dear Matt… _

'_Sometimes the only thing left to say is the hardest thing in the world. Sometimes the only thing left to do is the most hurtful thing ever.'_

It's still not right.

"_Dear Matt…_

"_Goodbye."_

_

* * *

_

**[[A/N Hahaha!!! Angst!! I love it, don't you? Hehehe! Next find out what Matt's reaction is like! Wow, I never noticed how much I like exclamation marks!!!! Hehe!!  
**


	2. Realisation

**[[A/N Ok, I changed my mind. Originally, this story had two chapters, the previous one and the one I'm going to post last, however, I decided to change that idea after plotlines began to form in my mind. So... here is chapter 2... I dunno what to make of this one, personally, I don't like it. I didn't like writing it and I don't think you are going to like me very much for writing it. Oh well. Can't be changed, well, it can, but it isn't going to be.]]**

DISCLAIMER: I got a new coffee, the chocolate's long gone and I still have a desk and my computer. 1) I don't own Death Note and 2) I didn't get sued for randomly claiming I may have had a dream about L before he had been created.

**Realisation**

I wake up. It takes a few moments for me to realise why I feel like I have a stupid smile on my face. Then I remember last night.

------

_Mello knocked on Matt's bedroom door. _

"_Yeah," Matt called from his comfortable position on the floor at the base of his bed. "Who is it?"_

_Mello sighed. "It's me," he called through the door. "Can I come in?" _

_Matt turned off his game and stood up before slowly walking towards the door. He opened the door a little and looked at the slightly older, slightly taller boy who was stood in front of him and said nothing._

_Neither of them said anything. For a few minutes, they stood on either side of the threshold looking at each other. _

_Matt sighed and swung the door open to allow Mello entry to his bedroom. _

_The differences between the two were startling; Matt with his messed up red hair, freckles and slightly muscular build, Mello with his soft sleek blonde hair, pale complexion and skinny frame. Then there were the more subtle differences, differences that the two were no longer aware of, like Mello's love of chocolate compared to Matt's hatred of all things sweet. Matt's preference for baggy shirts and denim jeans compared to Mello's addiction to leather. Mello's need to study, to be the best, to be number one, Matt's lack of interest in all things academic. The list was endless but neither cared. All they cared about was each other. That was all they had carted about for a long time, they just hadn't realised it yet. _

"_What's wrong Mels?" Matt asked shutting the door as Mello made his way over to the bed._

"_I was a dick earlier. I'm sorry."_

_Matt laughed slightly. "You're stressed out, I get it. You're revising like mental to get ahead of Near, I get it. Just, relax for once Mel, Don't study for one night and have fun. I never study and I do ok for myself."_

"_That's why I'm here," Mello replied. "I want to just relax tonight, watch a movie, I dunno, have fun."_

_Matt smiled as he sat down next to the blonde. _

"_I got the new Halloween movie," he said suggestively._

"_I got nothing, Halloween it is," Mello replied smiling._

------

"_Mels, are you gonna stay here tonight?" Matt asked as he turned off the movie and sat back down on the floor next to Mello. _

"_Why? Did the movie scare you?" Mello scoffed. _

"_No, it's just… I had fun tonight; we haven't done this in a long time… Since before the Kira case started."_

"_I know." Mello said, seriousness returning to his voice. _

"_What'll happen if… something happens to him?"_

"_Nothing will happen."_

"_Yeah, but…"_

"_No, Matty, no buts, no what ifs. Nothing."_

_Matt looked at Mello's face, barely visible in the dark room. "Stay, Mels." It wasn't a request. _

------

"_Matt, what's wrong?"_

"_It's nothing."_

_Mello sighed and sat up. "You aren't playing your video games and you aren't sleeping. You aren't talking to me and I want you to tell me what's going through your head."_

_Matt glanced at Mello before saying "You aren't going to like it."_

"_I don't care."_

"_And you have to promise not to go mental."_

"_I promise."_

_Matt slid of the edge of the bed and sighed. "I've been thinking…"_

"_That's never a good sign"_

"_I've been thinking about what happens when you succeed L…"_

"_You mean IF I succeed L," Mello interrupted. _

"_Do you want me to tell you or are you gonna keep interrupting me?"_

"_No, I don't want you to tell me. I've changed my mind because this all involves the death of someone we love and admire."_

"_Mello, what if you die doing it? What would I do without you?"_

"_Matt, you're gonna be right there when I make the stupid plan that gets me killed and knowing you, you'll be doing something stupid too. And when I die, I'm gonna make sure I take as many of the stupid criminals down with me as I can."_

"_Mello, I don't want you to die."_

_Mello stood up and walked around the other side of the bed. He knelt down so he could see Matt's face and said "I'm not dying anytime soon, I swear." _

"_Seriously, I don't think I could handle this place if you weren't here. That'd be the hardest thing in the world."_

_Mello wrapped his arms around Matt's neck. How could he tell him now? How could he tell him that L was already dead, that he and Near had to take over and find Kira. He couldn't._

"_Mello, you can let go now, I kinda can't breathe."_

"_Sorry", Mello said as he sat back down on the bed. He glanced at Matt. Matt quickly looked away. There was something there that wasn't there before and neither of them could put their finger on what exactly it was._

_Mello had always found Matt attractive "for a ginger kid" and Matt had always said Mello was "the manliest looking pretty boy" he had ever seen. _

_Matt looked at Mello. It took him a few moments to realise that Mello's blue eyes were cutting through his gaze and directly into his teal eyes. _

------

The rest, as they say, is history.

I breathe in the light morning air and sigh. Rolling over in my bed, I realise that he's not here.

I look at the clock, 8:30. He's probably at breakfast, I reason. I quickly get out of bed and throw on a pair of denim jeans and a very old, extremely faded, Sonic the Hedgehog t-shirt before leaving my room and running down stairs to the dining room.

As I burst in through the door, I look around for the all too familiar blonde head. I notice people are staring at me. Why are people staring at me? I look at my reflection in the window of the door and see the reason why they may be staring; I have deep nail marks running down my arm. Oops.

I turn and run towards Mello's room. He must be getting ready for class, or studying, he does that a lot.

I don't bother knocking, I never do. He isn't there. His bed is made and his school books are piled neatly on his desk.

"_The library,"_ I think to myself. _"He must be at the library. But the library doesn't open until 9am."_

I walk back to my room, racking my brain to think where he could be. I sit at my desk and tap a pen against a single, folded piece of paper that lies there.

A single folded piece of paper that says my name.

In Mello's handwriting.

I pick up the paper and finger it before opening it.

"_Dear Matt…_

"_Goodbye."_

What a waste of paper.

**[[A/N Did you like that one? If you did, good. If you didn't, Oh well. Never mind. There's always the next chapter to win you over ^_^ But unfortunatly, I'm going to be away for 2 weeks, if I can get to a computer, I'll update (assuming I write anything)]]**


	3. Confrontation

**[[A/N This is the last chapter in Matt's POV, all the rest will be in Mello POV.]]**

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Death Note, I don't have a cup of coffee, the computer I'm on isn't even mine. All I own are the clothes on my back!

**

* * *

**

Confrontation

"Where is he?"

"Matt, calm down."

_Why should I calm down? If Mello was here, I'd be calm._

"Roger, tell me why he isn't here."

"Matt, the reason for Mello's disappearance is still unknown."

_Bullshit. Something must have happened._

"You know where he is, you know why he left. You know and you won't tell me."

"If Mello wanted you to know he would have told you Matt, you know that."

_Do I?_

"Fuck you."

I storm away from the old man; the man who took me in when I was a kid. I walk towards the dining area. I don't know why. I know that if I eat, I'll be sick. I've got that feeling in my stomach, the one that tells you that you're going to throw up at any moment. As I walk in to the too-crowded-for-my-liking dining room, I notice people looking at me. Why are they looking at me? I sit at an empty table in the corner and take my DS out of my pocket. At least I can act like everything's normal, right?

Wrong.

Within moments of my entering the room and sitting down, one of the only people I can honestly say I would gladly tell them I hate at the moment sits down opposite me.

Near.

"Matt," he states simply as though he's reminding a three year old of their name.

"Go away."

"Did you find Mello?"

"I said piss off you stupid albino brat."

"My, my, such a terrible attitude for a young man," Near replies patronisingly.

I stand up, I don't have the patience to deal with Near today. "Which part of fuck off don't you understand?" I ask, bitterness cutting through my voice.

"You told me to piss off, not fuck off," Near said.

"Either way, get the hell away from me!" I say as I stand up and leave.

* * *

**[[A/N Short, I know. Review! *Love*]]**


	4. Subconscious

**[[A/N This is just a brief but slightly important filler. I wrote it at about 3am.]]**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the wild fantasies that are running around in my brain.

**

* * *

**

Subconscious

"How is he?"

"He's fine."

"He's not doing so good, is he?"

"No Mello, he isn't."

I sigh. "Roger, how bad is he?" I ask, knowing I will regret asking, knowing I don't want to know the answer.

"The last time he was anywhere near this bad, he'd just come to Wammy's. He'd just found his mother's dead body."

I close my eyes. I don't know how to feel. I feel regret, guilt and remorse. I know I should have waited, I should have explained. I thought it would be easier this way. I couldn't think of a way to make this any easier for him.

"Mello, are you still there?"

"Yeah, I was… thinking."

"Don't let you're emotions, he'll be ok. We'll keep an eye on him here."

"Call me if anything happens please?"

"I will, don't worry. Goodbye."

"Bye."

I hang up and walk towards the dirty window of the dingy hotel. The dusty streets of the city staring back at me.

Before I have a chance to comprehend my thoughts, tears are burning down my cheeks, Leaving was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made.

My head is a mess. It's been almost three weeks since I left. I wonder to myself how I'll manage to focus on catching Kira, on beating Near, when all I can think about is Matt. The only thing running through my mind is if he's living or just surviving. Subconsciously, I've made my decision.

I have to go back,

I have to see him.

I have to know he's ok.


	5. Watching

**[[A/N So, the next chapter is here. Angst ensues.]]**

Disclaimer: I'm still not home so I own nothing but this story.

**Watching**

Good God the country is cold. And windy. And wet. My hair is sticking to my face as the wind whirls around me.

As I approach the large iron wrought gate, I can feel my heartbeat rise, but there's no turning back now. I'm here so I need to go through with it.

Within minutes I've climbed the gate and I'm stood by the large tree outside Matt's window.

As I begin to climb, my palms begin to sweat. My heart speeds and a lump forms in my throat. I can't face seeing him. But I'm still climbing. The window is getting closer and I'm not stopping.

I want to see him sat on the floor at the bottom of his bed playing on one of his stupid games.

But he isn't.

He's lying on his bed. His knees are brought up to his chest. A piece of paper is crushed in his hand. His hair is longer than I can remember it being. His tinted goggles aren't on his head or around his neck like they usually are, instead, they are tossed on the floor. The Matt lying on the bed isn't my Matt. This Matt is falling apart.

He sits up. His face is tearstained. He turns his back towards the window and walks towards the desk. I can see the faint marks on his back from the last night we spent together. His jeans are baggy and hanging off his too-thin frame.

I pull my phone from my pocket.

"You said you'd keep an eye on him," I snap down the phone.

"Mello?"

"When did he last eat?" I ask.

"I…"

"When did he last leave his room?"

"Mello, please calm down."

My hands are shaking. He said he'd make sure he was okay.

"How the hell do you expect me to calm down?" I bite back before hanging up and turning my phone off.

I sit for hours watching him. He's worried about something; he's running his fingers through his hair. He's tapping his pen on his desk. I wonder what he's thinking about.

I watch as he paces back and forth.

I watch as he sits on the bed.

I watch as he holds back the tears.

I watch as he fails miserably.

I watch as he breaks down.

I watch until he cries himself to sleep until I realise I've been crying the whole time.

I watch him sleep with his light on, on top of the covers, still in his jeans.

I watch him until the sun begins to rise.

Then I leave.

**[[A/N Review??]]**


	6. The Past

**[[A/N This is another flashback chapter so no POV]]**

Disclaimer: Still with the not owning Death Note. I need to hire better negotiators. What do you mean the negotiations aren't underway yet?!?! Oh well, at least I own this story. I suppose that's as close as I'll get… For now!

**The Past**

_Roger walked in through the large oak doors. His hand was resting on the shoulder of a small boy with shoulder length blonde hair. The child looked scared. He had no bags and no possessions except for the rosary beads he clutched in his tiny hands. He looked around seven years old, but in reality, he was almost 10. _

_It was late November. Snow had already begun to fall in the England countryside. As the boy was guided through the entrance hall, he shook the snow from his hair and shivered slightly at the sudden change in temperature. His scared eyes were wide as he tried to take in as much of the room as he could. He saw certificates on the wall, he saw other children peering out of a large door to his left, staring at him. He saw a redheaded child who looked younger than him walking down the large winding staircase, stopping for a moment when he saw Roger, throwing a curious look at the child by his side. _

_Roger nodded his head in acknowledgement to the other boy's eager wave before guiding the blonde child down a different hallway and through a door into a large ornate office. _

"_Please, sit down," Roger said, signalling towards a large red sofa. _

_The blonde child sat, as indicated, fear of the unknown shooting momentarily through his mind. His grip on the red and white rosary in his hand tightened. _

"_What is your name?" Roger asked, kindly._

"_Mihael," The boy whispered._

"_Mihael, my name is Roger. I am the carer of this place and the children within it. This place is Wammy's school and orphanage for gifted children. How old are you, Mihael?"_

"_I'm nearly 10 sir." Mihael replied in the same small voice. _

"_Thank you. Now Mihael, how long have you lived without your parents?"_

"_My mum died a few months ago," he replied, tears brimming in his brilliant blue eyes. _

"_And what of your father?"_

"_I never knew him."_

_Roger picked up a box of tissues from the large mahogany desk and handed it to the blonde boy. _

"_Do you know why I brought you here?" Roger asked._

_Mihael shock his head. _

"_You're a very talented young man, Mihael. You're very smart and we believe you have potential."_

_Roger sat on the sofa next to Mihael._

"_We want you to live here, study here and rise to your full potential."_

"_Why?"_

"_You have an amazing mind, Mihael. You're extremely bright and your school have said that you have passed each test and exam with flying colours. We cannot force you to stay here but if you rise to our expectations, you will be well rewarded. You will have options in your life that you could otherwise only dream about._

_This is a very big decision for anyone to make, let alone a child. We will allow you to stay for a week, experience the classes and living conditions then allow you to make your decision."_

"_What will happen if I don't want to stay here?" Mihael asked in a small, scared voice. _

"_You will be handed over to social services, from there it will be up to the authorities to decide your fate."_

"_And if I stay?"_

"_You will be given an alias, a new name, you will be given a schedule of which classes you need to be at and at what time. You will sit exams twice annually to assess your skills."_

"_I wanna stay," Mihael said quickly. _

"_You still have a week to change your mind. We will put you in a temporary room until we have a room set up for you. Would you like to choose an alias now?"_

_Mihael nodded and was promptly given a list of names. "You will be known as your alias for the rest of your life. Nobody will be permitted to ask your real name and you will not be permitted to tell anyone your real name."_

"_I like this one," Mihael said as he looked through the list. "Mello." _

_Mello, as the child would now be known was guided back down the hallway and up the stairs where the redhead boy stood earlier. As they walked up the staircase and across the hallway, Mello, with great interest, looked at the paintings and sculptures that decorated the hall. As Mello was lead into a room on one side of the hall, he caught a glance of the redhead child he saw on the stairs sat behind a statue a few feet away._

_Inside the room was a single bed, a desk and a set of drawers. _

"_This is where you will stay for around a week. We will set a permanent room for you on the third floor. You will be given a class schedule tomorrow morning at breakfast and someone in your classes will be assigned to show you around. Breakfast will be at 8am, lunch is at 12:30 and dinner is at 6:30. You are expected to be in your room for the night at 9pm."_

_Mello nodded his understanding as Roger left the room then turned to sit on the bed. He fingered his rosary unsurely before hearing a knock on the door. It was the redhead from earlier. _

"_Hi," said the boy. _

"_Hello," Mello replied. _

"_I'm Matt. Who're you?"_

"_Mello."_

_The redhead, named Matt smiled. "Nice to meet you. Are you hungry?"_

_As if in answer to Matt's question, Mello's stomach rumbled hungrily. _

"_You wanna get some dinner?"_

_Mello nodded and put the rosary he held tightly in his hand around his neck and followed Matt to the dining room._

_3 years later_

"_Matt, Mattie, where are you?" Mello called as he walked outside in to the large grounds of the orphanage. _

"_Shut up, I'm concentrating," Matt said as Mello came around the side of the tree that stood outside his bedroom window. _

"_What, are you on the final boss on a stupid game?"_

"_Yeah," Matt said. "Now shush."_

_Mello laughed lightly as he sat down next to the redhead. He watched the more athletic kids play football in the sports field. He watched the more social girls talking. _

_He thought about everything that happened since he came to Wammy's. _

"_YES!" Matt said loudly, punching the air._

"_Congratulations, now can we go inside?" Mello asked as he lay his head back. _

"_Sure, whatever," Matt said as he stood up and began to climb the tree and in through his bedroom window and Mello followed him. _

_Matt sat down on his bed as Mello walked over to his desk and sat on the chair. _

"_Mells," Matt said. "Can you do something for me?"_

"_What?"_

"_Promise me you'll never leave me here on my own?"_

"_Sorry Matt, I can't make promises like that. You know that. I will promise that I won't leave you here if I can help it. I will always take you with me if I can."_


	7. Christmas At Wammy

**[[This chapter is bad. I hated writing this chapter and odds are I'm going to be hunted down by crazy-ass fangirls for even contemplating the entire scenario. (Trust me, it's happened before for less). To make up for this chapter I have written a cute oneshot to make everyone feel better.]]

* * *

**

**Christmas At Wammy's**

It's Christmas Eve. I know I shouldn't but ever since I saw Matt back at Wammy's without me, I knew I needed to go back. I needed to tell him the truth. I'm 15 years old. I'm too young to be on my own in the world and I know that Matt would be the right person to be with me. I can't survive on my own; I need him to keep me grounded.

As I did the last time, I climb over the tall wrought iron gate and walk towards the main building. I walk in through the large oak doors. Instead of treading the familiar path towards Matt's bedroom, I turn left and walk down the hallway to Roger's office.

I don't bother knocking, I just walk straight in. Roger is sat behind his mahogany desk. The red sofa that was sat in the corner five years ago was still there. I sit down, my elbows resting on my knees, fingers entwined, waiting for roger to look at me. I've changed a considerable amount since I left, instead of wearing my leather pants every now and again, I wear them all the time. I've also taken to wearing a leather shirt. Around my waist is a holster with a .9mm in it. The only thing that has stayed the same is the rosary that takes pride of place around my neck.

"Mello," Roger says, a hint of surprise in his usually calm voice. "What are you doing here?"

"I need to see him."

"I'm sure he won't object. It will be nice for him to see you."

As I was about to ask if it was ok for me to go straight up to his room, we were interrupted by someone I vaguely recognised.

"Roger, there's an emergency in room 367."

"Wait," I say as my mind struggles to comprehend the sentence that has just been said. "Matt," I mutter as I run out of the room. I can hear Roger calling my name but I can't pay attention to him now, Matt's in trouble. I take the stairs two at a time and run as quickly as I can towards the staircase to the next floor. By the time I've reached the third floor I have a stitch in my side.

I burst into Matt's room. I see him lying in the middle of the floor. He's surrounded by at least a dozen empty pill bottles and several empty whiskey bottles.

"Shit, Matt!" I rush over to him and quickly check if he has a pulse. I hear Roger and the boy rush into the room.

"Call an ambulance, quickly!" I shout as I thrust my fingers down Matt's throat dislodging vomit, saliva and his tongue. I turn him on his side and take my rosary from my neck. Within seconds of wrapping my beads around Matt's wrist, the paramedics have burst into the room, I follow them down the hallways and stairs and out of the front door. As they bundle Matt into the back of the ambulance, I climb in after them.

"Young man, I don't think you should be here," one of the paramedics say to me.

I turn to him and pull my gun from the holster. "I am staying and you are making sure he's ok. Got it," I growl.

The paramedic nods. I know I should feel bad right now, but all I care about is Matt.

**[[A/N Oh no!! I'm evil, aren't I. The next chapter will probably be up by next weekend. Reviews?? Before anyone says anything about Mello having a gun when he's like 15, he found it in a shady back alley ion London, ok, *Gives Thumbs Up* ]] **


	8. Lifeline

**[[A/N Ok, so this got written a lot quicker than I imagined it would but then again, it's a lot shorter than I would have liked too.]]**

Disclaimer: I still don't own Death Note… blah, blah, blah… etc… etc…

**Lifeline**

A few hours later, I was sat next to Matt's bed, clutching my rosary between my hand and his. I cried. I slept. I paced. It was almost 4am before I noticed his eyes flutter open.

"Matt," I whisper.

"Mells?"

"Dude, you're lucky you're wired up to an IV or I would have slapped you seven ways from Sunday by now," I say as I wipe away the tears that stain my face.

Matt laughed slightly before suddenly getting a serious look on his face. "Why'd you come back?"

I sigh. "I came back to see you. I needed to see you; I needed to know you were ok. Good job I did too. Roger's useless in an emergency."

"So you aren't staying?"

I pause for a moment. It's barely a second. "No."

Matt closed his eyes; I could see he was trying to hold back the tears. He was failing miserably.

"Matt, please…"

"Mello, just go."

"But…"

"GET OUT!"

His tone is hard; I've never heard him speak like that. I stand up. I don't think he's realised my rosary is around his wrist. I leave the room before I let the tears fall. I slide down the wall next to the door and bring my knees to my chest; I fold my arms across my knees and drop my head. I can feel myself shake as the tears fall and I know that on the other side of the wall, Matt is falling apart too.

I know the life I have now isn't the life for Matt. My leaving is his lifeline. This is his chance to have a real life. I need him with me but I need him to be happy more. I need him to at least have a chance at a normal life.

I stand and wipe my face before stealing one last glance at my best friend lying in the hospital bed, then I leave, for the last time.

This will truly be the last time I ever leave him.

Next time, I see him, it will be forever.

**[[A/N Review's are more than welcome, as usual!]]**


	9. My Dear Mello

**[[A/N Ok, so this is it. The final chapter! Oooohhhh!!! Exciting! It's short, it'sto the point (kinda) and it's in Matt's POV... Enjoy.]]**

Disclaimer: So, I ldon't own Death Note. I don't own Matt, I don't own Mello but if I did, can you imagine the fun us fangirls would have!!

**My Dear Mello**

I open my eyes

The sunlight streams in through the open window.

I turn over from my side onto my back.

I look at the empty space next to me.

I don't know what's going on.

I don't know why you aren't here.

I don't know what when wrong.

I don't know why you left.

I can't believe you're gone.

It's been two years.

I'm just 17 years old.

I'm really still a kid.

I'd die if it meant spending just one more night with you.

I'm scared to sleep now.

I'm scared I'll wake up and you'll be dead.

So instead I stay awake.

A bottle of cheap whiskey and a packet of cigarettes are my only companions.

My eyes are bloodshot.

Some times I wish I weren't human.

But then I think about you.

I'd rather feel this horrendous pain, this feeling of abandonment, than nothing at all.

I'm sat in a rundown apartment in the middle of LA.

My video games hold no interest and I'm fed up of being angry at you.

I'm so drunk I can barely see the words I've written.

"_Dear Mello…"_

'_I hate you…'_

Do I really? Or is it hurt?

"_Dear Mello…"_

'_I hate you so much I have drunk and smoked everyday since I was fifteen.'_

No, I don't hate you.

The drink is a way to forget.

The cigarettes go well with the whiskey.

"_Dear Mello…"_

What else is there to say?

There's a knock on the door.

"_My dear Mello…"_

The hardest thing in the world is to keep my heart from pounding out of my chest when I open the door.

You are stood there.

The only person I've thought about; dreamed about.

The image of you I held in my mind for so long is shattered by the scar that mutilates your elegant face.

'_Mello.'_

Sometimes the only thing left to say is the hardest thing in the world.

It's so hard to say your name right now.

If I say your name, you're real. You're stood there. You're here.

I say nothing.

I turn back towards the piece of paper that has been scribbled on so many times I can barely find a space to write.

"_Mello."_

A word that in my mind speaks a thousand words in a thousand languages.

"_Mello… _

"_Finally."_

**[[A/N And there you have it! I want to thank everyone who has been reading this, thanks to everyone who has reviewed. Special thanks to PinkPopi cos she's awesome and another special thanks to Atomiclint who pwns!! I am working on a new chaptered fic but you'll probably have more than your fair share of one shots before I get it out of my head and into my computer! hope you've all enjoyed it and I'm gonna go because I thik this A/N is longer than the actual chapter.]]**


End file.
